Why we try and change who we are ? our first friendships and relationships are so important the friends at school and our first intimate relationships. For some more than others.

social rejection
Social rejection

Personal experience has shown me that my very early years at school were not good at all. I don’t remember anyone from my first school. In fact I don’t remember much about it at all. Apart from being alone in the playground. We moved to Rye when I was 7 years old and then was my first memories of school and the people in it.


living in a bubble

Why we try and change who we are ?

For most of the time it felt like I was looking out from inside a bubble. In fact it I remember feeling like nobody could hear or see me. Much like being dead I guess. Some of the people I was at school with then. I am in contact with now. Connections are only memorable when they are real. So what do I mean by real? Well there’s physical attraction where we find someone pleasing to the eye of the opposite sex. But we tend to make friends on other levels by first appearances too. We make friends with those of the same sex in that way first. So when we choose our platonic relationships we base those on whether we find someone acceptable to the eye also.

YES all human beings are shallow on some level.

In light of the above we are all shallow on some level. When we first meet a person we decide if they are pleasing to look at first whether we are sexually attracted or not. After that appraisal we dig deeper to see if we like their character, So are we judging them subconsciously deciding their character based on their looks first? I would say so. If we are totally honest with ourselves. If someone has a very “unlucky” face shall we say, are you as likely to make friends with them? Children are the purest souls but often the cruelest. How does that work? It doesn’t make sense. They are so cruel to each other at times. Is it because they just see things and portray them without a filter? As we grow older we learn to cover things up. We do tend to remember connections made as a child more than ones made in adolescence and adulthood. By the time we reach adolescence we will have tried to change our appearance at least once.

Why we try and change who we are ?

Even when we are unaware, we are judging each other. Who do we think we are ??? We constantly compare ourselves to each other. Under pressure from a very young age to look good. But how and why do we think it’s ok to judge others. We seem to think we are born with the credentials to give advice and judgement. Communication is the key to every significant relationship.

Why we try and change who we are ?

At the age of 18 I met one of if not the most significant connection in my life and neither of us knew it at the time. Our lack of communication skills would be something we later kicked ourselves for when we came back together 28 years later and discovered that our lives would have been so much different if we had talked when we were younger.

Talking is one the most important skills we learn and it would do society the world of good if we made sure our children learnt to communicate better as soon as they learn to speak. The way in which we communicate ourselves to the outside world makes so many decisions in the minds of others.

Would it be a good idea to teach children in schools the basics of how to communicate themselves to each other in their relationships of all kinds and levels ? how they project themselves to the outside world in general. Pay more attention to how they behave in the playground. Help a child that is on their own regularly? why does it not occur to more teachers and parents that this is a very important stage of development ? Academic skills are important but are useless if an individual can’t communicate with those around them.

In conditions such as autism teach a child to find another way. Children with autism are generally talented in some practical way. Art and creative skills. Encourage those skills as a form of communication with their peers and teachers. Parents and children often devise their own ways.