HOW TO DEESCALATE CONFLICT conflict is a part of life whether we like it or not. Personally I hate it. I try and avoid it at all costs. It’s true that our attitude towards conflict can depend on so many things. Our environment is a huge factor and childhood experiences. If, like mine ,your childhood was spent watching your parents in constant conflict, then the effects can Of course, we cannot blame a traumatic childhood for violent or even bad tempered behavior. Conflict is a negative interaction . Whether that be with a professional or personal relationship.
How can we deescalate a situation before it comes to a full blown conflict? Firstly conflict tends to derive from anger and resentment. Communication in relationships is the key to avoiding unnecessary arguments over issues that are not important. Secondly learn the difference between actual issues and minor irritations. It is very likely that you friend or partner is just as aware of your short comings as you are of theirs. When we become angry the body floods with cortisol and adrenaline. Hormones are a powerful driver and hard to over ride. These two stress hormones tend to kick in our natural survival instinct, which in turn makes us defensive. Some people find it difficult to tell the difference between being defensive and being on the offensive.
STAYING CALM IS AN ART
Staying calm in heated situations is an art form. Most of the way we interact with friends, relatives and loved ones is learnt in childhood. Furthermore we tend to mirror the way in which our parents deal with issues. Indeed we cannot keep blaming the generation before for our shortcomings. In the same way we have to understand that some conditions such as autism and other mental conditions have a profound affect on the way we perceive the actions and idea from others, and also convey our own thoughts, feeling and ideas. When conflict can’t be avoided try and stay calm. More over if the exchange is becoming more and more heated then ” time out” is the way forward. Take a break and count to 10. Get some fresh air and come back to the issue when you have cleared your head.
THE EFFECT OF PARENTAL CONFLICT ON CHILDREN.
When children live in a home that has a lot of conflict, it can shape the way they conduct and view future relationships. Similarly I grew up in a household where conflict was common place. As a result a fear of conflict grew. Any engagement in heated exchange can come across as either sarcastic or passive aggressive. I will admit that I will avoid confrontation at any cost. This can make a situation worse. From my point of view I feel it made me believe that all adult relationships were like my parents. Dysfunctional adult relationships give a child a strange sense of normal. Of course all relationships are as individual as the people in them, but learning how to communicate with others as we grow up is of paramount importance. Future relationships depend on it for success.
AVOIDING THE NUCLEAR OPTION
The end of a significant relationship is very stressful and in some cases traumatic. Learnt behavior as a child can lead to unhappy adult relationships. Over the years I have learnt that it’s far better to learn about relationships as a separate entity. Don’t go by what happened around you as a child or you will likely repeat it. History always repeats itself. The trick is to break the cycle. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I was convinced that when I married at 26, I would stay married at all costs. Sadly my determination not to be my parents made me exactly that. I was too focused on the past. So one of the most effective ways of avoiding conflict is to resolve the past and let it go.
HOW TO DEESCALATE CONFLICT
TIME OUT ALWAYS COOL THE TEMPER…. arguments between the most loving and close relationships always suffer conflict of some degree at some point. The art is to control the intensity by monitoring the emotions. If one or both of you are becoming angry the best thing to do is have time out. Tell the other that you need a little time to think and clear your head. Go somewhere quiet and clear that hot head.
HOW TO DEESCALATE CONFLICT
Domestic violence is not just against women, although that tends to be the trend. Why is it that we don’t encourage men that suffer abuse to come forward as much as the women. Children quite often suffer at the hands of a violent parent also. Violence amongst children is also all to common. So why does it come to that. The answer, always bad communication skills. We can always improve on them. Be aware of the effect your tone of voice has when talking to others. Never shout or throw demeaning names at one another. It serves absolutely no purpose, however we all do it when we are anger enough. Try and use an even tone and avoid becoming too emotional. Raw emotion can cause the body the flood with adrenaline and cortisol. As a result we tend to become over anxious, defensive and aggressive.
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY… WILL THE ISSUE STILL MATTER AS MUCH IN A WEEK’S TIME?
Always ask yourself if the issue you are becoming anger or confrontational over will still be as important in a week’s time. If the answer is no then ask yourself whether it is worth the bother of conflict. Pick your battles wisely. Walk away from those that are not really an issue. Of course I know what it’s like when something starts out as an irritation, minor niggle. Are they worth the hurt caused by arguments and possibly violence.
HOW TO DEESCALATE CONFLICT
TO BE CONTINUED IN TOMORROW’S POST…………..