CAN WE EVEN PREPARE FOR IT ?
HOW CAN WE PREPARE FOR THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
If you were told that your loved one or spouse was going to die in a certain period of time, how would you deal with it ? In fact how would you prepare for their departure? As a result of that news several different emotions manifest at once. In the first place shock clouds everything. Not sure what day of the week it is or what you should be doing. Secondly guilt can kick in and resentment. Death tends to make us angry and resentful of life. So many questions swirl around in the head. Some we can answer and there are some we never will.
HOW CAN WE PREPARE FOR THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
A lot depends on your beliefs of course and how the news is being dealt with by the patient. However if your loved one believes in life after death then it’s more than possible they are not afraid of what’s coming. More over if they are suffering then they may even be looking forward to it. When this is the case it can be very difficult to engage in the normal feelings of losing someone. If you are having to watch them suffer some horrible side effects of a condition or they are in great pain then when the end comes it’s a relief. This can make the survivor feel guilty that they are still here. It can bring in anger though at the fact death has taken them from you.
Survivor guilt can make grief feel quite extreme and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. This period of accepting the loss is as long as it needs to be for you. There is absolutely no reason for the survivor to feel guilt for having indeed survived. When loved ones are taken suddenly in an accident we tend to show and feel great anger, we need someone to blame. It’s a human trait to need a blame hound. For some reason we need somewhere to aim our angry for the loss WE are feeling. Try and remember that the anger we are feeling is not that our loved ones are gone but the loss we are feeling. How their loss affects our lives without them.
DO WE ALL HAVE “OUR TIME ” TO LEAVE ?
When trying to deal with survivor guilt, let’s spare a thought for those that out live their children. This is a loss every parent fears and we all say that we should not out live our children. It just doesn’t seem right. Although if we do have a pre destined date to pass then why would we feel guilty. There are many different sayings and quotes we have thought up over the years to help those left here one earth to cope with grief. “everyone has their time and there’s nothing we can do “, “the good die young” just to name a couple. Grief and loss is the most difficult emotion to deal with.
NEVER DICTATE HOW A PERSON SHOULD PREPARE FOR THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE
Never dictate how a person should show their grief or indeed for how long is acceptable. There are many opportunities for therapy. Nobody can take your pain away. All others can do is help you to help yourself by accepting the loss. There is nothing wrong in feeling relief if your loved one suffered before passing. Relief at the end of their suffering is manifestation of your love for them. Nobody wants to see someone they love suffer.
CARING FOR A DYING LOVED ONE
If you are caring for a person close to you that is dying you effectively start to grieve while they are still alive. Nevertheless even though you know the loss is coming there is still the emotional shock when it actually happens. So can we really prepare for the loss we will feel? Not in every sense of the word , no. You can’t feel a loss until it has happened. with that in mind it’s best to make sure you allow your feelings to manifest as soon as they surface.
HOW CAN WE PREPARE FOR THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
Depending on what you believe it can help to talk to your loved one when they have passed over. Some report actually feeling like they are still around them. If you were caring for someone who was terminally ill, you can take comfort in the fact you made their last days as comfortable as possible. You showed compassion and love. Feeling that before they pass is very important. Your love for them will not change, even if on bad days you resent being stuck indoors caring for someone constantly. This is a temporary situation and will pass with them. Try to help them accept the end of their life and talk to them about happy memories you made together. Make sure they have plenty of nice pictures in their head to take with them. Try not to focus negative times and their suffering,
Feel within your own frame of reference
Your frame of reference is the parameters within which you feel and allow your emotions to manifest. This is unique to each person. It’s as individual as a fingerprint. Always allow your own emotions to flow as they will within your frame of reference not those of others. Many will try to tell you what is the best way. That’s the best way for them. The only thing that would be damaging is if you suppress your pain. Suppressed emotion is very dangerous both to your mental health and physical health.
We don’t just grieve for the loss of a person who has physically died. Grief is a normal reaction to loss of many kinds. Loss can come from a divorce or break up of a relationship. When my divorce was finalized I remember saying it felt like a death. I grieved and I know many people who have grieved the loss of a loved pet. My own favorite dog Mac died nearly three years ago and we still talk about him and remember great times. Just as with a person that leaves our physical presence we need to have lots of nice pictures in our heads to take with you.
HOW CAN WE PREPARE FOR THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOSS
The loss of a job or when a child leaves home and goes out into the world causes us to grieve. I struggled all the way back from Coventry the day I dropped my daughter off at University in Coventry. I thought that it was men that would break a woman’s heart but a child becoming an adult shatters it in a thousand pieces. The things you planned to do with them from the day they were born that never somehow got done. The images of memories that swirl in your head of them from birth. That three hour journey back from Coventry was an emotional one. Crying is a very normal show of emotion and is most certainly not a show of weakness.
Loss of friendship is just like losing any kind of relationship. We mourn the loss of the companionship and support you shared. The happy times that defined your friendship. The only positive we can pull in order to move on is to be thankful for the times we were given with that person. See it as a positive time in your life and look back with love not anger or bitterness for any negatives. It is in fact true that with every door that closes another will open. Sometimes there are just lessons to be learned from each other and once that is fulfilled the two friends part physically only. They always remember what the other has taught them.